Well I am up in Rexburg again, and I will be here until April. My last post was about remaining positive in hard times, and I think I need to start taking my own advice. My last semester of school I got a lung infection, and, from that point on, I felt very sick and my ENTIRE body hurt. My roommates would always ask me why I would just stay in my room, and I didn't quite know the answer. I just didn't feel good! When I came home for christmas break, I was exhausted! I thought it was just the stress of school, and having to move apartments. One day, my body hurt so bad that I just didn't even want to get up. Ever. My mom decided that we needed to take me to the doctor, and so I went and had some blood taken for testing. I remember feeling so stupid and overwhelmed at the doctors office, because he looked so perplexed when I told him all of my symptoms. I wouldn't get all of my test results for about a week, and I had to head up to school.
About a week into school, I was on the phone with my mom, and she got a call on the other line from the doctor's office. I stayed on the line while she talked with them and, it did not sound good. I knew something was up. When my mom got back on with me, she explained that the blood samples came up really strange, and the doctor was speculating Lupis. I didn't really know what Lupis was, but hearing those words just made me so scared. I was not healthy. I also knew that Lupis is also an autoimmune disease, so it would affect me for the rest of my life. I think I was in shock. I just started to cry, and I didn't even know what to think. I tried to keep my mind off of it, but my body kept constantly reminding me. You see, Lupis is closely related to arthritis, and it attacks your body. Every day, I have to deal with this pain. My hands ALWAYS hurt, no matter what. Even if I take pain pills. My shoulders and wrists hurt very badly at night, and my legs and hips hurt pretty much if I sit down for more than 20 minutes. I feel so weak all of the time. I can't even do the simple things without being in a lot of pain. For example: getting dressed, doing my hair, and showering are all things that I dread. Pillows feel HEAVY to me.
After that phone call with my mom I was really scared, and I just kept thinking of my future as a mother and wife. How was I supposed to do that if I felt as weak and worthless as I do now? How was I supposed to do anything that I had imagined myself doing in the future? Travel? Perform? None of that seemed possible now. Later that day I got a call from both my aunt and my dad. Both of which gave me a lot of comfort. I had people behind me who loved me, and would help me. My dad helped me a lot by saying that autoimmune diseases are definitely something people deal with, and live full lives with. The pain goes and comes kind of like going into remission, and there would be times when I would feel normal. He also explained that my doctor was not a specialist, and that he might be wrong. That made me feel better and worse at the same time, because it could either be better or worse than expected.
All I know currently, is that they think I have an autoimmune disease called Lupis, but they aren't sure. I also know that I am in a lot of pain. I don't really know how to feel about this, but I sure do get emotional a lot. It makes me depressed thinking that there is a chance I will feel like this my whole life (except for remissions here and there), but since we aren't sure exactly what it is that I have, we don't really know what to expect, and that scares me even more. I have another doctor appointment on January 31st, that will hopefully enlighten me a little bit more. I can't wait until then!
I will be moving back home after this semester, and I most likely won't return to Rexburg. I am going to have to live with an Associates degree for now. The medical attention I need isn't available to me here, and I just probably won't feel like driving 3 1/2 hours to and from Utah every other weekend. I just need to go back home, where I can be taken care of properly I guess.
Note to self: I need to remain positive, or I will ruin myself. It's hard, but I CAN do this!
Not to the reader: There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest turning to the Lord, and your family for love and guidance through hard times. I could not do this without them! I am not going to give up on those dreams I have for my life. Neither should you! There are going to be obstacles in your life, you just need to find your way around them.
