Age is Just a Number

As many of you probably don't know, I'll be turning 21 later this month. I think back to when I was younger, and I always thought that my 21st birthday would be this big moment for me. I would be an official drinking, driving, gambling adult. Good thing I don't drink or gamble. Well... I can drive! Oh wait...been doing that for years. I actually don't know why I thought turning 21 would even be cool, haha.

The point is, I always thought that at each big landmark I would feel so much bigger, more mature and responsible, and that hasn't been the case....for any of them.

My parents DID throw me a cool 16th birthday getaway in Park City with two of my BFF's, and then I got an awesome surprise party from my friends, so that was pretty cool! I didn't FEEL any different though. I didn't start dating right away, and I procrastinated getting my license for a few months, so it was just like being 15.

When I turned 18, I became an official adult, but I didn't feel any more responsible than the day before when I was 17. I wasn't ready to move out right away and live life on my own. Yea I went to Idaho for school for a few months at a time, but I still felt like a teenager.

I am now turning 21. I live at home. I am not currently in school. I pretty much touch on this subject every time I post something on here, so I promise this is the last you will hear of my lame life. My point is....age is just a number!

We spend most of our lives wishing it away! Don't just assume your life will get better when you can drive, when you can date, when you move out, when you are an "adult". The only time your life will change is when YOU change. When you work hard and achieve things that way.

Don't wish your life away....live in the moment. Work hard. Do what you love, and you will always be happy. You won't have to wait for those milestones in your life to try and feel like you are more of something that you haven't worked hard to be.

Pizazz.

I decided I needed to put some more pictures up on here because it's starting to look really....wordy, and it's bumming me out. Seriously. It needed some pizazz. 

I don't get out a TON, but when I do... I go here. You would never guess that these beauties were taken on a walking path right behind Lagoon. It's like out of a storybook. The trees are so green, and it feels like you are walking through a tunnel, or like some magical forest or something.

Recently someone has started hanging up little bird houses everywhere! Last year it was gnomes. Anyway, they are cute!!

 Some of the trees fell across the stream, and it looked like a bridge. 

I just thought I would share my little piece of heaven with you. So, If you haven't gone here, I suggest you go while it's still green!! I guess it will be beautiful in the fall as well! It's so calm. You hardly run into anybody while walking, and it's good for taking family pictures (my family always do ours here). 

The Hills are Alive

Life is good. The sun is shining. The birds are singing...oh and I'M singing too! Lately, my life has been filled with lots of MUSIC. I thought my vocal chords were getting rusty, so I decided to get into voice lessons. Let me just tell you...it's made a BIG difference in my life.

I wanted to apologize. I have been quite vulnerable in my past few posts. I look back, and they all consist of me complaining about my sad life. Haha. Sorry about that!! It's OKAY to be sad sometimes, but don't let it linger very long. I guess that's something you can learn from my mistakes!

This post is going to be short and sweet. I just want to leave you with a little mantra I've been telling myself lately. I got it from a crazy talented woman named, Sierra Boggess. She is a broadway power-house, and one positive lady!

She always says, "You are enough. You are SO enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are." 

Take that, and roll with it. Say it to yourself every morning. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever struggles you are facing, whatever you are up against. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

I have more where that came from, but we'll save those for another time. What is your favorite motivational quote/ mantra?

Lastly, I wanted to leave you with some music. I haven't done this in a while, but I have been obsessed with these songs lately! They are happy, but not very upbeat...so keep that in mind. Enjoy :)

CHECK IT OUT

STUFF

I stink at life...I really do. I have no idea what in the HECK I'm doing right now. People ask me what my plans are...I don't have an answer. People ask me what I'm doing right now...no answer. I'm honestly just taking it one day at a time, but to tell you the truth, I want MORE. I have these aspirations and these dreams that are constantly haunting me. It's just hard. It's hard to get back out into society when you have dug yourself into a hole. A hole SO big, that it's scary to climb back out.

Most people who know me now, just see a girl who doesn't really do much. If you would have known me when I was younger, you would have seen a girl who loved to sing, loved to perform, joined any performing group that was available, and had dreams of doing it her whole life. I definitely had my doubts about it, but I knew I loved it and that I wanted to continue to do it. People used to tell me to pursue it, and I didn't even think about it. I KNEW I would. I was in all the choirs, I did the school musicals, and I wasn't too shabby (at least that's what people told me).

When I got into college, I tried out for a talent show. Out of the hundreds that probably tried out, I made it, and I got to perform in front of the entire freshman class. It was so exhilirating!! I also joined a student run choir that SAVED me my first couple of semesters in Idaho. I loved to sing, and it honestly felt so good to be up there singing every week. I felt the spirit so strongly, and I could see the lives of the people I was touching. That's the power of the spirit. I was only in the choir for two semesters, but it was great! After that, I kind of stopped singing. It really brought me down.

Ever since then, I have been in this kind of slum. I watch other people do what I love, instead of actually doing what I love. I play guitar for my family, and my family alone. I watch musicals, but I'm not in them...and that makes me SO sad. My mom makes fun of me, because I have recently began watching disney channel shows again a bit. I know it sounds dumb, but I guess I just admire those young teens who followed their dreams, even if it is a little cheesy (plus, it brings back good memories, haha). I know right now I'm sick, and some days I feel A LOT better than others, but I feel like I need to get out of this slum somehow. I just don't quite know how yet. I am a lot more nervous about doing it now then I ever was before. I guess I just need to start doing the things I love again, because there has always been this big part of me that loved making other people happy.

I didn't really know where this post was going when I started writing, but here it is. I just want you to know that whatever it is that you love,  keep working towards it. Don't let anything discourage you or stop you, because if you do, you'll regret it. You'll look around and see others doing it, and wish it was you. I am not going to give my dreams up, even if I have had a whole years break from them. A year is NOTHING in a lifetime, and I still have time to recover and continue working hard.

Confidence Booster

Life is hard. That's something I've come to know well....and sometimes it doesn't work out AT ALL the way you have planned for yourself. I've also learned that you can't choose how your life will turn out. You can make decisions, but you can't choose the consequences. I never would have imagined my life turning out like it is. I had a whole different plan for myself.

When I was younger, I thought that college would be the best time of my life. I would be living on my own, working towards a job and marriage, and just partying it up with my friends! High school was fun for a bit, but I felt disconnected from almost everyone near the end (except for a few close friends), and I was definitely ready to move on. College WAS fun for a bit, but I learned something about myself. I lacked confidence. I relied on my roommates for a social life. It was hard for me to make my own friends and I never thought I was good enough. I put other people up on pedestals, and was too afraid to stand up for myself.

I am a very closed book, and I rarely show my anger, sadness, or fear to others. I put on a happy face, and love to make people laugh! That is very hard to do all the time with five roommates! I bottled up everything I was feeling inside until I was almost ready to EXPLODE!! I was a people pleaser, which led to being taken advantage of by people I thought were friends. Let's just say college wasn't the greatest experience all around, although I did make some of the greatest memories of my life. It was a struggle, and I didn't understand why all of this was happening to me.

It wasn't until a few months ago that I figured it out. All of these problems lead to one main cause: SELF-CONFIDENCE. I wasn't confident enough in myself, and that is something that I have been working to achieve while I've been home.

This is something I am still working on, and it's something that I need to keep working on. It has been such an underlying problem throughout my life, and I know a lot of people struggle with this issue. Sometimes you see those people who just seem to have EVERYTHING. They have lots of friends, they are succesful, and you just want to BE them. Here is something I have noticed about these people: they don't dwell on what other people think about them, they laugh at their mistakes, they move on, they know what they want, and they GO for it! Everyone has their bad days, these people keep moving and don't dwell on them.

I have some advice for y'all. Be YOU. Be DIFFERENT. Make mistakes... laugh at them. Move on. Have you ever seen someone trip down the stairs? I have concluded that there are two types of people in this world. People who can laugh at themselves, and people who get super embarrassed and can't stand all of the attention. You laugh WITH the person who laughes at themself, and usually AT the person who gets embarrassed. You admire the people who have the confidence to be different and stand out, so don't be afraid to be different and stand out!

I know I need to work on this, too. I have a hard time facing my present circumstances. I'm not going to school, I'm not working, I'm not on a mission, and I'm not getting married. It seems like everyone I know is doing one of these four things. That's only normal, but I have to face my reality. I am sick. I will get better, but first, I need to heal. It is all a matter of time, I STILL HAVE WORTH.

I used to ( and still do) get so embarrassed by stupid little things, but... nobody cares. They really don't. Trust me. Just like you, they are too busy worrying about their own problems!

You may not think you are the prettiest, coolest, smartest, funniest, or most-talented person that you know, but it's all a matter of opinion! If you are confident in yourself, you won't need to be. Not everyone is going to like you, it's the harsh truth, but YOU should love yourself!! Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. The key is to focus on your strengths and not dwell on your weaknesses, because everyone has them.

When you stop caring what other people are thinking about you, you become free.

I know I sound like a motivational speaker, but I know that a lot of people struggle with this! When you have confidence in yourself, other people will see it, and YOU will feel it. You can't expect the world to have confidence in you, if you don't have confidence in yourself!

Social Media....It's A Devious Thing

I haven't posted much in the past few weeks, and here is why. I mostly just sit in my house and watch Netflix while I try not to die of boredom. I have been social ONCE...yes, you heard correctly. ONCE. I went to Divergent with my friend Anna (jolly good show btw). I have been experiencing a lot of fatigue lately, which may account for most of the isolation, and let me tell you, it’s HARD being alone all the time. I feel like I am isolated from the world, and once you’re in, it's A LOT harder to get back out again. I get close to making plans, and then I chicken out! I feel like it's been so long since I have hung out with someone, that I don't know how to be social anymore. Be patient world, I will be out and about in due time. In the meantime, don't get offended if plans don't end up working out. 

I get on Facebook, and I see what my friends are posting,  how many likes their Instagram picture gets, and it definitely doesn't help this emptiness I'm feeling inside....but it made me think. I watched a video recently about how Facebook is ruining our ability to make friends because it connects us with TOO many people and allows us to project a perfected version of ourselves to the world. You can control, edit, and manipulate what is posted on social media...and it isn't real. You can pose fifty different times and use the harshest filters on your profile picture, or spend hours re-editing posts. I hardly ever post anything anymore, because I just don't have anything witty or exciting enough to post. I have debated deleting my Facebook account, but have stopped myself out of fear that I will lose contact with society...permanently. The majority of my friends are serving missions, and Facebook is a good way to keep in touch with them to know when they are coming home! 

To be truthfully honest, social media makes me upset most of the time. People post things that I don’t agree with, or argue about issues that I feel strongly about, and I get really angry just reading it. I usually don’t reply (I can be rude when angry), and when I do, it leads nowhere good. The few times I have voiced my opinion online have caused me trouble. That’s another problem with social media. People are braver. I would never go up to someone and argue vocally about these issues (unless provoked), but I am more confident using social media.

Here’s the thing. I haven’t been very good at this recently, but a few weeks ago I took a little break from social media. I decided to spend my time doing other things, and you know what happened? I read books. I read my scriptures. I was semi-productive!! I started reading Shakespeare. I actually enjoyed it and UNDERSTOOD it. I have gone downhill since then, but this helped me to realize the affect that social media has over me. I was looking at everyone else’s lives and feeling sorry for myself….when really I am only seeing what they wanted me to see, and that’s not real. Life is boring sometimes. Life is hard. It’s OK.

I watched an interview recently where someone said that the people who are constantly “Tweet-ing”, “Instagram-ming”, or “Facebook-ing” how great their life is, are most likely lying, because they have enough time to sit and post about it. They are probably the ones in the corner watching everyone else have fun. Just think about that for a minute. 

5 Tips For A Better YOU

This week has been one of slow progress...but still progress. I have come to realize some things lately that have helped me to become more succesful in my goals. I wanted to share them with you.

1. DE-CLUTTER YOUR LIFE. Seriously....get rid of all of that extra baggage, literally AND figuratively. This entire week I have been packing up and getting rid of things I don't need.  Most of the reason we keep things from our past is because we want to be sentimental. Honestly....you don't need it, just take a picture! Give yourself room to start fresh. The same works for people. The past is the past...move on. Save room in your life for the people who truly matter, and stop worrying about those who don't. Wish them well, and go along your way.

2. HAVE THE RIGHT MOTIVATION. What is the reason for this sudden need for change? If its for someone else...stop. People are going to dislike you, and you are just going to have to deal with that. Is it to impress other people? That's not important either. I feel like the key to a confident person is someone who loves themself, and doesn't care what other people think. Do whatever will make YOU happy and confident. If not,  you'll spend the rest of your life trying to be what you THINK everyone else wants you to be.

3. START NOW. None of this "I'm gonna start on Monday" crap! Seriously. The sooner you start, the sooner you can reach your goal.

4. STICK WITH IT. I know it's hard, but you just need three weeks (at least I heard) to make something into a habit. Force yourself for three weeks, and then it won't be so bad. If you need to, start SLOWLY. Don't set unreasonable goals for yourself. I have made this mistake SO many times I can't even count. You just get overwhelmed so fast and that's why you quit. Don't overwhelm yourself...or you will get burned out.

5. DON'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE. I know it's nice to have a support system, but it really comes down to one person....you. Yes, it is nice to have people with similar goals to help you along the way, but sometimes people can bring you down. You can still have a support system, but make sure you aren't relying on them too much! I hate to say this, but...unless it's your parents, their main concern is for their own well-being. You're responsible to keep yourself on track!

So, there you have it. I have been thinking about these things a lot this week, and it has really helped me! I hope it motivates you to achieve your goals!

Update: I have succesfully finished the first five days of the BOM challenge. 1 Nephi is DANG GOOD so far....just sayin'. If you haven't started it, you should! It isn't too bad, only about 2-3 chapters every day.

Here is the link: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/447193437970077286/

My Thoughts On A Sunday

I wasn't feeling too great this morning when I woke up (at 4 am. BOO.), so I decided to stay home from church. I had a busy day yesterday and it wore me out, but today I am taking the opportunity today to share my gratitude.

This week was kind of a downer, but I decided to take all of the time I had and email some of my friends who are serving missions. It helps me not feel so lonely, I guess.

A few weeks ago, I emailed a friend from high school who is on her mission. She helped me a lot through a hard time. She was such an example to me, and was there for me at a time when I felt like no one else was. I just thanked her for being my friend! She emailed me back and gave me some of the best advice that I could have received at that time. I hadn't told her about my current struggles, but she suggested I read Mountains to Climb, a talk by Elder Eyring. If you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do.

He talks about how each trial we face in our life is to shape us into the person we need to become. It can either strengthen our faith, or destroy it. I have come to find that true in my life. I'm not saying that I have the hardest life, or that I won't go through any other hard trials, but I feel like I have had more time to realize what is truly important in my life, and grow. I realize the importance of spiritual growth in my own life.

These are a few of my favorite quotes from the talk:

"...the ground must be carefully prepared for our foundation of faith to withstand the storms that will come into every life. That solid basis for a foundation of faith is personal integrity."

"Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles. Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith. "

I know that there is a plan for each of us, and tests and trials are given to us so that we will grow and become more like Him. I have come to realize the importance of sharing the gospel, and being an example. I am learning the importance of friendship and service, and know it can be used as a tool to help further Heavenly Fathers work. I know that we can use the atonement to always strive and become better, more loving, and compassionate. I know that if you pray, you will feel of His love for you. I know that He loves ALL of His children. Every. Single. One. We should strive to love them as well. We should strive to forgive everyone who has wronged us, because He will always forgive us. I know it is hard, but it is possible. 

These are all things that I am working on...and I have a long way to go. I am grateful for this trial in my life. I know it will help me to become a better person. 

I saw this video on Facebook. It is a bullying video that is going around. I thought it was a good reminder to always be considerate of others. You've probably already seen it, but here it is anyway: 

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/central/provo/lds-anti-bullying-video-going-viral/article_9e91f1e3-8c43-590f-bfb3-cdaf3886642c.html

I challenge you to reach out to someone who is struggling, or pray to know who is struggling. Everyone is fighting a hard battle of their own. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own lives, and our own struggles, that we forget that others are having hard times too. 

Also, I am starting a 90-day Book of Mormon reading challenge. I know I could probably do it in less time, but I chose 90 days instead. I am starting Monday, and I found this schedule on Pinterest. If you would like to join me, feel free! We can work on becoming better, together!!

BLAH....:(

Well this week has been....blah. There is no better way to describe how I feel. I have had zero energy for the past three days. Yesterday I literally sat in my bed most of the day, except for when I made lunch at 2 pm. I had a burst of energy and had a little surprise dance party in my kitchen while making gluten free turkey wraps!

I am going to Rexburg tomorrow to pack up my stuff, so I was planning on organizing my room today a little more to make room for all of my crap. Well THAT didn't happen....I woke up with a sore throat, runny nose, and NO energy. I am getting a little worn down from all of this fatigue....not gonna lie.

When I went into the doctor last week about my lung infection, he found quite a bit of fluid in my right lung. Great. He said there was enough to remove it, but he wouldn't unless he had to (like if it got infected), and put me on extra PREDNIZONE. If you don't know what that is, you're lucky. It's every woman's worst nightmare. When I first got diagnosed with lupus, it manifested itself through arthritis pains on my entire body. My hands always looked lovely, swollen, and I couldn't straighten my right ring finger for like two weeks. It hurt, and the glorified "aleve" he gave me wasn't cutting it, so he put me on Prednizone. If you don't know what that is, it's a steroid. And although it makes you feel great, there are a lot of downsides. For one, you are ALWAYS hungry. I also get pretty strong cravings...usually for crap, and my face gets swollen. So that's fun...I can't wait to get off of it.

I am running out of indoor activities to satisfy my boredom. I never feel like putting pants on, so I have to think of things to do indoors instead, haha! Today, I took a relaxing bath and listened to some Adele. I just rediscovered her first album. It's pretty groovin'.

 My favorite songs are -Right As Rain, and Chasing Pavements. 

My puppy likes to keep me company.

I have been listening to a lot of Mindy Gledhill lately as well. I don't listen to "bubblegum" indie pop THAT often, but I needed a bit of brightness in my life. And like her album says, she "leave(s) you floating like a scoop of vanilla cream in a strawberry soda." Who doesn't want to feel like THAT? CRAAZY people! I definitely needed it. Thanks Mindy. 

My favorite songs are: All The Pennies, I Do Adore, Pocketful of Poetry.....oh heck, ALL OF THEM!

Music tends to really affect my mood-what are your favorite happy songs?? I need some new suggestions!

Also, if anyone has any fun indoor activities that they enjoy, let me know. I'm getting kinda desperate lately. 

Well, I'm gonna go...I'm hungry again. Crap. I should probably have a salad.

Creative Juices, Good Reads, and Blogging

Well, I'm sure people are wondering why I'm still not back in Rexburg....and the truth is... I dropped out of school! It was never the plan, but with my health problems, and all of the missed school, I thought it best to come home and NOT fail all of my classes. So, there you have it. I'm a college drop out *insert the music for beauty school dropout here*. You can save the apologies though, because I know this is what's best for me right now, and I am going to use this time to my advantage by strengthening my talents, learning, and growing as an individual. You don't necessarily need to go to school to do those things.

Ever since I returned home, I have felt this great desire to NOT sit around and waste my time. I am always trying to keep myself occupied, and do something useful. I am re-teaching myself piano. I am writing...A LOT. I'm reading, I'm cooking, I'm drawing. I'm trying to do anything I can to not waste away...haha. I have even formed a greater appreciation for art. I am letting the creative juices flow...I will tell you how that goes!

Also, I was on Facebook today, and I am so surprised at how many of my friends have come out as bloggers recently, so I went through and read some of their posts. It makes me proud to see that people can find joy and share it with others, because I think it's important to share positive insights on life. Blogging is a way to share new knowledge and enlightenment with others, and sometimes just to make other people smile. And...it's a stress reliever, so that's a plus.

I challenge you, if you haven't already, to start a blog. Even if no one reads it (but if you ask me to, I will. I have nothing better to do). There was a long time when no one read my blog, and it was more of a journal for me. It's not very popular now, but I have a few followers and I hope some day to have more. Anyway, I would give blogging a try.

Remember that book I ordered on Amazon? Well it arrived the day after that post, and I read it! I just want to tell you all about this AMAZING book. You all know how much I love Stephanie Nielson's blog, but did you know she wrote a book all about her experience? I did. One day, when I was trying NOT to waste my time, I decided that I wanted to read it. I was going through a hard trial in my life, and her story was such an inspiration to me, so I ordered it on Amazon. (buy it here).

Heaven Is Here is a book about Stephanie's life before, and after, her accident. It is about her challenges and trials, and how her faith and family helped her to recover. I don't know if it is because I can relate to her experience NOW more than ever in my life, but I had a great emotional connection to this book. I was literally in tears while reading most of it, but I don't want you to think that this book is just depressing. It has it's sad moments, and I can't even imagine going through something so hard, but she handled it in a way that only someone with a knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan can handle it. With faith. It is so inspiring to read how she faced her trials. I recommend you read it...really. It's on sale.

One last thing. I never post anything on Facebook anymore except for links to my blog...so if you would like to start following my blog, I would appreciate it. If not...that's fun too. Enter your email right over there ->

I hope you all have a great week! :)

I'm Missing Some People....

Well, I have come to the realization today that the next few months are going to be kind of lonely for me, which I am partly discouraged about...and also looking forward to. I think it will be a great time to work on myself. That sounds selfish, but it's not. To help others, one has to first help themself, and I want to be a servant of the Lord in my own way.

Speaking of serving the Lord, there is one thing I have been thinking about a lot lately. I miss my friends. They are awesome, and hilarious... and I miss them. SO MUCH. They are all great people who decided to go on missions. Let me introduce you to them:

THIS IS LANAE.

Lanae has been my friend since 2nd grade. She is my best friend. She is a spiritual giant. We have the best kind of relationship, because we can go months without hanging out, and it's like nothing has changed. We are hilarious, and we can make each other laugh until we cry. Other people probably look at us like we are crazy, but we could care less! We also love to sing, write songs, and play the guitar together. She is a beautiful, talented singer, and just person in general. She is currently serving the people of Argentina (speaking Spanish, I might add), and I MISS HER....so stinkin' much. :(

THIS IS ASHLEY.

I have lived down the street from Ashley since I was 3 years old. She is also my best friend. We like to speak to each other in British accents, and do embarrassing things in public. We have had our ups and downs, but she has been there for me through the years. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I have always looked up to her spiritually. She has always motivated me to become better. She is serving the people of the Manchester, New Hampshire mission. She is currently serving in the state of my birth (Maine), and I miss her. A LOT. She is the most amazing missionary, and I am so proud. I always knew she would be.  

I am proud to call these two girls my best friends. There have been many friends that have come and gone in my life, but these two have stuck through all of it. I have been a little discouraged lately, because I feel like I don't have a social life, and haven't had one in a while. Then, I remember that it is better to have a few GREAT friends than a lot of crumby ones. Friends should encourage you to become better, and not discourage you. They should lift you up, and do things for you.

I have been blessed with great friends, and I need to work on being a better friend to those around me. I have been given a lot of really great experiences, and people, in my life, and I am so grateful for the chance I got to meet them. I hope to one day be as great a friend as I have had the privilege of receiving. 

Surprise!!

Well....I'm still in Utah! Surprise! I have a doctors apt. again tomorrow morning, and I don't really know what lies ahead....so I'll let you know.

Anyway...I have been feeling better lately, probably because the meds kicked in for my lung infection and that has allowed me less pain and more sleep. I can finally sleep lying down, and that has done a world of good. I felt really good, so I decided to get out for a little drive! It's not much...but at least I didn't sit inside. Plus, I have always loved a good rainy day :). I took the dog, and we went on a little adventure.

(I know, I know....I went a little crazy on the selfies! I liked my red coat
and purple boot combo.  :) NO shame)

(I tried to take one with the dog...he wasn't very interested)

I just wanted to get out of the house really....do something that I don't usually do. I would have read a book, but I have two unfinished ones that are still in my apt. at Rexburg, and the one I ordered off of Amazon hasn't arrived yet...(more on that one later!)

(I took this up on the mountain looking down...It would have been a cooler
picture if I would have gotten out of the car...too rainy)

I love driving through Farmington to look at all of the unique houses up on the mountain. I have always loved it. My family and I used to take Sunday drives up through all the neighborhoods. The houses there have...character. I like character. They all look like houses you would see in a book, or something. They are fun colors, but not in a cheesy sort of way. I have always dreamed of living in Farmington when I am married...or Oregon. Maybe both.

(My attempt to take pictures while driving...downhill...in the rain. I also saw a cop,
so I panicked!)

I have grown to love going on drives, because I can just turn on some good music, cruize, and think. It's a pretty good way to get in some good reflection.

Here are some of my current cruisin' playlist tunes (especially good for a rainy day):

Fare Thee Well (Dink’s Song) - Oscar Isaac & Marcus Mumford

Rambling Man – Laura Marling

The Girl – City and Colour

No Matter Where You Are – Us

Now Is the Start – A Fine Frenzy

Blood – The Middle East

Facebook Responses

Well....I have to say, I was quite surprised by the response I got to my blog post on Facebook! I didn’t think anyone would even look at it, honestly. I hadn’t told very many people about my lupus, and it was kind of my way of saying, “Hello everyone, sorry for being so antisocial and depressed lately. I am just dealing with something really hard, so don’t take it personally.” I have been struggling so much the past couple of months that the support I got from everyone made me very emotional. No joke, I woke up on Sunday morning (having not slept very well, mind you), showed my mom some of the messages I received, and I just started sobbing! It was great. Thank you, everyone! 

I didn't sleep very well Saturday night because I was having severe chest pain, and I couldn't lie down. I was planning to return to Rexburg on Sunday, but I was exhausted and still in quite a bit of pain. I stayed home all day Sunday. I was tired. I felt sick. I was tired of feeling sick. I had a breakdown Sunday night, and I had a long talk with my parents about what the rest of the semester would entail. They made me feel so much better, and they reassured me that they would do anything to help me feel better. My parents...let me just tell you. I love those guys. They are the best people ever! They are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. My mom literally calls me, texts me, or checks up with me multiple times a day when I’m at school, and, when I am home, she is there to cater to my every need.  My dad is the most supportive dad, always has been, and he is always there to help reassure me. I never even have to ask for a blessing…he just gives me one.

Sunday night my dad slept on my bed, and I slept with my mom in their bed, just so she could check up on me, and believe me….she did. I had to sleep sitting straight up, and my body can’t fall asleep like that. So, mostly I just laid there all night, in pain, and ready to shoot myself. It never took her more than a few seconds after I sat up to ask me if I needed something, or if there was anything she could do. She ran a bath for me at 4:00 am. That is dedication, folks.

I called my doctor this morning and he said that I have come up with another lung infection. They are SO fun, let me tell ya! Funny story: We were playing a card game for FHE tonight, and my brother kept making me laugh. I told him not to, and I think he took it as a challenge. Plus, everyone knows it’s harder not to laugh when you are trying not to. Anyways….I won’t tell you what happened, but I started laughing. Laughing + lung infection = NOT FUN! I couldn’t stop laughing, and with every gulp of air it felt like I was being stabbed in the abdomen. I stopped laughing. I started crying. I started yelling at my brother, because he was still laughing. And then I started hyperventilating, and my mom had to come and help me relax, because I couldn’t breathe normally. I can laugh now, because I am not in any pain anymore…but for a second there, I thought I was going to die.

So this weekend has been just the greatest ever!! But, seriously though…the support I got from everyone really did lift my spirits, and helped motivate me to keep blogging. I have had this blog for quite a long time, but never with any purpose. I feel like now it has a purpose. To help lift people up, and help them to understand that no one has a perfect life, and everyone goes through crappy times. I am not afraid to share the good times as well as the crappy times, because although people like to hear about someone’s perfect life, they also like to know that they are not alone in their struggles. Struggles are a part of life. They are a way to help people grow, and learn, and have empathy for others, and to help others, and know how to help them. I hope that this blog will be a way to help some people know that they are not alone. 

Premature Aging & Motherhood

Well, I came home for the weekend again. I didn't feel like sitting in my apartment alone this weekend while all my roommates had plans...so I wasn't going to mope around! I feel a lot better here right now where I am in my element, and it helps me to relax.

 I was on pinterest today, and I wanted to look up some easy workouts for people suffering with lupus, but instead I found a bunch of lupus jokes that made me laugh! It feels comforting to know that people do understand how I feel. Lupus is an invisible disease, so no one can look at you and see how sick you are. They think because you don't look sick, that it can't be that bad. They can't understand how hard it is, and I don't blame them. It is just hard sometimes, because I feel like I have to suck it up because I know people will criticize me, and just assume I'm being lazy or overexaggerating. My favorite joke said that, when you have lupus, you get to tell your parents, "you'll know how I feel when you get older". So true! I'm like an old person with my aches, pains, and brain fog...also... I'm losing hair. It seems every time I run my fingers through my hair, I pull it out. I am SO gentle with it, yet it still continues to fall out. It just keeps getting thinner, duller, and straighter, and it stinks... :(. I fear one day I will have bald spots. (Pray for me, haha, I would look hideous bald). I kind of like documenting the stages that I go through in this whole lupus process, mentally and physically, because it helps me to vent my frustrations and concerns, while also motivating myself to keep moving forward. Hopefully, eventually it will help someone else who is struggling (if they happen upon my blog for any particular reason).

That is just an update of my life, but I wrote this post because, right now, I am sitting in the bedroom that I decorated (sparkly lights and all), and I am reading Stephanie Nielson again. I have been following her since a year after her accident, and I rediscover her every few months. Every time I start reading her posts regularly again, it amazes me how strong she is. I love how she talks about her children. She talks about motherhood so highly, and you can tell that she knows how important it is. I cannot wait to be a mother, and I can think of no other thing that will make me feel so fulfilled. There is a video about her youngest daughter, Charlotte, made for the Nielson family, that she posted on her blog. It has this beautiful lullaby in the background, and so I looked it up. (I want my children to be exposed to music from a very young age, and form an appreciation for it.) Turns out, it is from a collection of children's lullabies. I have had it on repeat since. I know it sounds pathetic, but that is the kind of thing I want to do for my children. I want my children to listen to music, and read stories, and have imaginations, and love others, and love the gospel, and be good citizens, and be goofy, and helpful, and that is NOT too much to expect! I aint raisin' no unedicated little hooligans! It's hard, because I am so baby hungry...but I'm not even dating anybody! Husband...you better hurry up and find me already!

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that it does include the opportunity for me to become a wife and mother. My newly found health issues have discouraged me on many of my goals, but never this one. I know it will be a struggle to raise a family with lupus. Some days I will feel exhausted and not want to make a nutritious dinner, or clean my house, but I will probably do it anyway. I was talking on the phone with my dad during one of my low moments, and he gave me a few words of comfort. He said that they are always here for me, and that if I am feeling tired, that they are always here to help me. I am probably going to take you up on that someday, dad!

I am so grateful for my family, and good friends! I know that right now is a hard time in my life, but I will make it! I just need to stay positive, and focus on becoming the best person I can be.

Looking Forward to Better Days

I don't know what brought this upon me, but lately I have been longing for warmer weather. Maybe it's the fact that it is starting to warm up a little and the snow is melting, but it's definitely not warm and it's CRAZY windy. I watched the movie Soul Surfer with my roommates yesterday, and I have been thinking a lot about the summer...and Oregon. When we went to Oregon as a family, this past summer, I made it a goal to someday live there, and be a beach bum. Great goal, right? I agree. I just keep remembering how beautiful it is there, and how good I felt the whole time. I honestly just never wanted to leave. I could definitely see myself setting up a cute shop there and raising my family. I even researched how hard it would be to go to church. The closest ward is an hour away in Portland, but that wouldn't be too long of a drive on Sundays! As you can probably tell, I put a LOT of thought into this. I guess it gives me hope to know that I will probably feel better by the time I get out of school, and I will be able to focus on myself, and being the best me I can be, inside AND out. I can focus on my health and try to make good spiritual goals for myself as well. I am focusing on my future.

I have all of these things that I want to accomplish when I get home. I don't want my lupus to make me feel like I can't accomplish the goals that I have set for myself. I still want to spend a lot of time outside, and keep myself as active as possible. Even if I just do small things, I need to keep myself moving. I want to read, write music, go camping, kayaking, paddle-boarding, hiking, and lots of other things. Hopefully I will feel good enough.

Along with the goals that I have for myself, I also want to use this disease to help others. I don't know why I have been given this trial in my life, but I know a lot of really good people who have been given much harder trials. I don't want to play the victim card. I don't want to use this as an excuse to become lazy and antisocial (that is how I feel right now). I read Stephanie Nielsen's blog NieNie Dialogues, and she really is such an inspiration to me of how trials can't stop you. She was in a plane crash and severely burned her entire body. This happened many years ago, and yet she is still recovering. She blogs about religion, family, and just life in general-and it gives me hope. She is such an amazing mother, teacher, role-model, and she doesn't let her afflictions hold her back. (go check her out!)

                                               

 I am really struggling here at school right now. I feel like a loser, because all of my roommates have all of these friends, and boyfriends, and all I can think about is going home. I know there is a day when I will feel better, but I will just have to be patient and live more in the moment. I feel like I am living so in the future at the moment, that I forget to live! I don't want that to happen!

This post is kind of throw up (sorry!), but I feel like I need to remind myself of these things and not let myself get discouraged. I have been feeling very discouraged these past couple of months, and I need to focus on being happy in my trials instead of just waiting for everything to get better in order to feel happy.

I hope that this summer I can be able to improve myself, improve others, and do the things I need to in order to become truly happy! That is my hope, but for now I will just keep moving forward and living the best that I can!

Updated Update

So...I had a doctors appointment last friday morning. There was a lot of mixed emotions for this appointment. My mind was constantly thinking of all the worst case scenarios, so I was at least excited to know for sure what the deal was. I was going to drive up Thursday night after my class, but it snowed...A LOT. I also wasn't feeling too great that week, particularly in my fingers. It narrowed down to the fact that my parents would have to come and get me. That is a lot of driving for them, and I felt very guilty! I sure was glad that I didn't have to drive though.

We woke up at 5 o'clock friday morning and left back to Utah. I think I kind of forgot what this whole trip was for, because when we finally got to Layton, my heart dropped and I felt sick. I just sat quietly in the car. I got so nervous. This was it. I was going to find out what was wrong with me.

I went into the doctors office with my parents, and I had to fill out a form that described where and how badly I hurt on a daily basis. Then the doctor came in. He asked me a lot more questions and then he had me lie down on the table and he poked, prodded, bent, squeezed and tested reflexes. He then showed me the test results. The test results definitely showed an autoimmune disease, although it is hard to tell at first which one. Most of the signs lead towards lupus, and we have eliminated rhumatoid arthritis, and most other autoimmune diseases, except for one other. It is possible I have both, but we still don't know for sure. I am no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's lupus.

I was relieved to know that it was no worse than we were already expecting, but it is not good news. It is kind of hard to think that I will live with this my whole life, and considering the pain I've been in lately, I hate it. The doctor prescribed to me a stronger dose of an Aleve type medication, and another that I will take every day for probably the rest of my life. That one won't start working for about two months, which is why he prescribed the Aleve. He told me that if I didn't start feeling better, that I would need to go on steroids.

It was a hard weekend, and very emotional. I probably cried AT LEAST twice or three times a day. At church my mom and I both had a little break down, and it was embarrassing. Dang you, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives".

Ever since I have come back to Rexburg, it has been a struggle. I started out taking the Aleve, but around Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed, and I just can't even explain it. I was so exhausted, and the pain in my arms and hands was almost unbearable. I couldn't even lift them to get undressed, or lift anything heavier than a small bag. I called my mom that night bawling. I was having a break down. So the next day I called the doctor. I am now on steroids, and it has been gradually better. I will just blow up like a balloon and get fat!

I just am struggling with the fact of life right now. I feel so useless, and school seems pointless to me. I keep having to tell myself that I just need to get through at least this semester. It feels like an ETERNITY away. I just want to go home so that I can chill at home with my mom, watch BBC, have tiny adventures, and be taken care of haha. I know it sounds pathetic, but my life is kind of pathetic right now, and I feel like I am wasting anyones time who wants to be my friend here. I don't ever feel good enough to do anything fun! Sorry roommates! I'm usually more fun!

Anyway, that is the update. No one reads these except for my parents, so it's kind of more personal, like a journal. I just need something to get all of my emotions out sometimes.

Update

Well I am up in Rexburg again, and I will be here until April. My last post was about remaining positive in hard times, and I think I need to start taking my own advice. My last semester of school I got a lung infection, and, from that point on, I felt very sick and my ENTIRE body hurt. My roommates would always ask me why I would just stay in my room, and I didn't quite know the answer. I just didn't feel good! When I came home for christmas break, I was exhausted! I thought it was just the stress of school, and having to move apartments. One day, my body hurt so bad that I just didn't even want to get up. Ever. My mom decided that we needed to take me to the doctor, and so I went and had some blood taken for testing. I remember feeling so stupid and overwhelmed at the doctors office, because he looked so perplexed when I told him all of my symptoms. I wouldn't get all of my test results for about a week, and I had to head up to school.

About a week into school, I was on the phone with my mom, and she got a call on the other line from the doctor's office. I stayed on the line while she talked with them and, it did not sound good. I knew something was up. When my mom got back on with me, she explained that the blood samples came up really strange, and the doctor was speculating Lupis. I didn't really know what Lupis was, but hearing those words just made me so scared. I was not healthy. I also knew that Lupis is also an autoimmune disease, so it would affect me for the rest of my life. I think I was in shock. I just started to cry, and I didn't even know what to think. I tried to keep my mind off of it, but my body kept constantly reminding me. You see, Lupis is closely related to arthritis, and it attacks your body. Every day, I have to deal with this pain. My hands ALWAYS hurt, no matter what. Even if I take pain pills. My shoulders and wrists hurt very badly at night, and my legs and hips hurt pretty much if I sit down for more than 20 minutes. I feel so weak all of the time. I can't even do the simple things without being in a lot of pain. For example: getting dressed, doing my hair, and showering are all things that I dread. Pillows feel HEAVY to me.

After that phone call with my mom I was really scared, and I just kept thinking of my future as a mother and wife. How was I supposed to do that if I felt as weak and worthless as I do now? How was I supposed to do anything that I had imagined myself doing in the future? Travel? Perform? None of that seemed possible now. Later that day I got a call from both my aunt and my dad. Both of which gave me a lot of comfort. I had people behind me who loved me, and would help me. My dad helped me a lot by saying that autoimmune diseases are definitely something people deal with, and live full lives with. The pain goes and comes kind of like going into remission, and there would be times when I would feel normal. He also explained that my doctor was not a specialist, and that he might be wrong. That made me feel better and worse at the same time, because it could either be better or worse than expected.

All I know currently, is that they think I have an autoimmune disease called Lupis, but they aren't sure. I also know that I am in a lot of pain. I don't really know how to feel about this, but I sure do get emotional a lot. It makes me depressed thinking that there is a chance I will feel like this my whole life (except for remissions here and there), but since we aren't sure exactly what it is that I have, we don't really know what to expect, and that scares me even more. I have another doctor appointment on January 31st, that will hopefully enlighten me a little bit more. I can't wait until then!

I will be moving back home after this semester, and I most likely won't return to Rexburg. I am going to have to live with an Associates degree for now. The medical attention I need isn't available to me here, and I just probably won't feel like driving 3 1/2 hours to and from Utah every other weekend. I just need to go back home, where I can be taken care of properly I guess.

Note to self: I need to remain positive, or I will ruin myself. It's hard, but I CAN do this!

Not to the reader: There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest turning to the Lord, and your family for love and guidance through hard times. I could not do this without them! I am not going to give up on those dreams I have for my life. Neither should you! There are going to be obstacles in your life, you just need to find your way around them.