Updated Update

So...I had a doctors appointment last friday morning. There was a lot of mixed emotions for this appointment. My mind was constantly thinking of all the worst case scenarios, so I was at least excited to know for sure what the deal was. I was going to drive up Thursday night after my class, but it snowed...A LOT. I also wasn't feeling too great that week, particularly in my fingers. It narrowed down to the fact that my parents would have to come and get me. That is a lot of driving for them, and I felt very guilty! I sure was glad that I didn't have to drive though.

We woke up at 5 o'clock friday morning and left back to Utah. I think I kind of forgot what this whole trip was for, because when we finally got to Layton, my heart dropped and I felt sick. I just sat quietly in the car. I got so nervous. This was it. I was going to find out what was wrong with me.

I went into the doctors office with my parents, and I had to fill out a form that described where and how badly I hurt on a daily basis. Then the doctor came in. He asked me a lot more questions and then he had me lie down on the table and he poked, prodded, bent, squeezed and tested reflexes. He then showed me the test results. The test results definitely showed an autoimmune disease, although it is hard to tell at first which one. Most of the signs lead towards lupus, and we have eliminated rhumatoid arthritis, and most other autoimmune diseases, except for one other. It is possible I have both, but we still don't know for sure. I am no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's lupus.

I was relieved to know that it was no worse than we were already expecting, but it is not good news. It is kind of hard to think that I will live with this my whole life, and considering the pain I've been in lately, I hate it. The doctor prescribed to me a stronger dose of an Aleve type medication, and another that I will take every day for probably the rest of my life. That one won't start working for about two months, which is why he prescribed the Aleve. He told me that if I didn't start feeling better, that I would need to go on steroids.

It was a hard weekend, and very emotional. I probably cried AT LEAST twice or three times a day. At church my mom and I both had a little break down, and it was embarrassing. Dang you, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives".

Ever since I have come back to Rexburg, it has been a struggle. I started out taking the Aleve, but around Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed, and I just can't even explain it. I was so exhausted, and the pain in my arms and hands was almost unbearable. I couldn't even lift them to get undressed, or lift anything heavier than a small bag. I called my mom that night bawling. I was having a break down. So the next day I called the doctor. I am now on steroids, and it has been gradually better. I will just blow up like a balloon and get fat!

I just am struggling with the fact of life right now. I feel so useless, and school seems pointless to me. I keep having to tell myself that I just need to get through at least this semester. It feels like an ETERNITY away. I just want to go home so that I can chill at home with my mom, watch BBC, have tiny adventures, and be taken care of haha. I know it sounds pathetic, but my life is kind of pathetic right now, and I feel like I am wasting anyones time who wants to be my friend here. I don't ever feel good enough to do anything fun! Sorry roommates! I'm usually more fun!

Anyway, that is the update. No one reads these except for my parents, so it's kind of more personal, like a journal. I just need something to get all of my emotions out sometimes.